Am I a visitor or a member?

Yesterday, Sunday, as usual, I went to my home church. A funny thought came out in my mind. Was just thinking am I a visitor of my church in Labuan or am I a member?

Everytime, when I go to church, I will fellowship around as what usual Christian does, but, at the end, I am just all alone. Just like my youth advisor, though I went to Youth for only two or three years out of my five years youth, I am not as close with her as my relationship with the other brothers and sisters in Perth and Miri. I just feel like I am all alone in this church. With lots of aunties and uncles looking at how I have grown from a little girl to who I am today, but my relationship with them is like just a 'touch-and-go' relationship. It's so different things here in Labuan compared to my church in other places. I enjoyed all the fellowship I have over there and enjoy serving the Lord together in different ministries. I have brother Kenin and sister Stella to grow together. Though we stumble at times, but we are there to encourage each other in our walk with Christ. But here in Labuan, I just don't enjoy the fellowship, or can be said I don't fellowship in Labuan. Some of the people here are so hypocrite and I just feel like escaping from church! But I know I can't coz that's my home church, my own Anglican church and that's the place where Christian gathers together and fellowship. But... but... I just don't want to fellowship in such a place and all I feel is lazy or so called not-in-the-mood to serve.

At the time when I just feel not going to church after this week, the sermon presented by Pastor Soo Jean entitled "Finishing well" reminds me of my walk with Christ. I should not have just given up in the middle of the walk, but continue with perseverance for God and be strong in grace. After reading the Purpose Driven Life written by Rick Warren also reminds me of how important for every Christans to get involved in the local church.

Below are a few passages from the bible that I found encouraging:
'You are members of God's very own family, citizens of God's country, and you belong in God's household with every other Christian.' Ephesians 2:19b

'You can develop a healthy, robust community that lives right with God and enjoy its results only if you do the hard work of getting along with each other, treating each other with dignity and honor' James 3:18

But from what I have read from the book, I don't find it much applicable in my church. Like for example, a church family will help keep you from backsliding. Yea, it applies only when Sabrina was in Labuan. Last year, out of 12 weeks, I guess I just went to church for 3 or 4 times, but no one cares. No one keep accountability of me for being there in church, just like what I have done to keep accountability of the other cell members to church every week. Not here in Labuan, no one cares whether you are there or not. I know it's not about you and the people around, is all about you and God, but I just don't feel like being appreciated here.

I don't experience real fellowship in Labuan like what Rick Warren has written in his book.
In real fellowship, people experience authenticity. I never have a heart-to-heart talk with the people there, neither do they share their hurts, reveal their feelings, confess their failures, disclose their doubts....Neither do I experience mutuality.

10 more Sundays to go. God, please grant me strength to pull through this 10 weeks.